I'm sure you're all wondering where the fuck I've been.  Well, I went back to school to earn another degree so I might actually be able to afford an Eleven...

SOOOO without further ado,
here is my first review in AGES since I had a break between classes.  The fabulous Zini Seed, courtesy of Eden Fantasys, which is the first toy in ages that I've been late for my review deadline because the toy was so damn good i didn't know what to write to do it justice!

Remember if you use code FYS at checkout at Edenfantasys.com you get 15% off :)

My review for the Metal Worx Magnetic Nipple Clamps from PipeDreams is up over at Eden!

Coolest packaging EVER... but a little too small for my tits-o-doom!

feeling un sexy

Lately my reviewing has been kind of sluggish lately. I've had a lot of RealLife™ obligations that have dominated my time. I've transitioned to a new job and started school again. I've had a lot of really positive things happen! I've also gained back the 30 or so pounds I lost last year when I was training for the charity race. After the race I took a break from running, then I just plain got lazy.

I've struggled with my weight my whole life. But now that I'm pushing 30 with both hands, and my husband and I are planning our future, together and family planning, I really need to get my shit together and loose the weight.

I just don't feel sexy when I'm this big. My husband just shakes his head at me and tells my I'm beautiful, he loves me no matter how I look, but I want to love me too! I want to feel sexy, I want to look in the mirror and say "yeah, I'd shag her against the wall".

Suffice to say, when I start feeling all "blech" my reviewing just takes a back burner. I have a hard time feeling motivated to be candid about my views on products for "sexy fun time" when my brain is telling me it's sweat-pants and phish food time.

Fear not faithful readers, i'll pull my head out of my ass soon enough.

Love you all!

1st Hand, Not His First Choice

Hubby was the test subject for a review product again. This time Eden Fantasys offered us the 1st Hand creme which was an awesome concept, and really could have been epic, but it fell short. It was greasy and thick and hard to work with, it stained my pin-up girl sheets and went in the "not gonna use again" pile.

Kegels are important! If you have a vagina, keeping your pelvic muscles strong is beneficial, not only for increased pleasure during sex, but it can help prevent urinary incontinence, you know the old “sneeze and pee”. You can exorcize these muscles by doing simple clenching and squeezing, or you can use a vaginal exerciser like the FunFactory Teneo Smart Balls that GoodVibes sent me to review. The Teneo Smart balls come in two varieties, Uno and Duo. I have the Duo, which consists of two weighted balls as opposed to the uno's one.

The Duo weighs in at just over a quarter pound. It's rather heavy, it's also a little on the long side. As I head towards the fertile days of my cycle and my cervix sits lower I can't use the duo, because it's just too long. It's also surprisingly girthy, having a circumference just shy of five inches. So it may not be ideal for someone who has a tighter vaginal channel naturally. However, the girth allows the Teneo to stimulate your g-spot.

The Teneo features inner bearings that rotate to create a natural vibration, this makes your PC muscles to contract, so combined with the clenching and releasing of muscles you consciously do, provide quite the workout. The Teneo features a depression at the base for easy insertion and a sturdy loop for easy retrieval.

The Teneo is made of ABS Plastic with the inner bearing, and each ball is coated with smooth silicone for a seamless finish and harnessed with a sturdy silicone sling.

The Uno may be a better option for someone new to exercising their PC muscles, but if you want to be able to crush a beer can with the power of your vag, the duo will definitely help you get there.

Shunga Divine Oral Pleasure Gloss

I love lipgloss. I love giving my hubby bj's. So you'd think that Shunga's Divine Oral Pleasure Lip Gloss would be perfect for me right? After all, it's boasted to be a “...champagne-and-strawberries flavored gloss, designed for blow jobs (but also great for cunnilingus), draws blood to the lips' surface, creating a cooling and/or warming effect...” and in some ways it is, It's a fantastic lipgloss, plumping, tingly, and non-sticky. It DOES create an intense tingling/warm sensation, but... and this is a big BUT for me... It tastes terrible! Babeland kindly offered this to me for review, and I thought I may as well give it a whirl. I know the ingredients (Hydrogenated polyisobutene, ethylene/propylene, styrene copolymer, butylene/ethylene/styrene, copolymer, menthyl lactate, glycerin, flavor, sucralose, polyglyceryl stearate, vanillin butyl ether) are simiar to my faveorite lipgloss of all time DuWop Lip Venom(0.12oz containing Hydrogenated polyisobutene, natural essences and ethylene/propylene), and for the same price you get 2/3's(10ml) more product with the Shunga Lip Gloss, so thats a huge bargain. Comparatively, it's the same size/price as Bare Essentials Buxom glosses.

The tingling sensation is REALLY strong, it died down a little after about 10 seconds on my lips, and it wasn't as intense on my husbands parts, he said it didn't really do anything for him “down there” and he didn't care to kiss me when I was wearing it as gloss because he thought it was borderline painful on his lips. As an arousal gel dabbed on my clitoris it was stronger than I cared for as well. Less “oooh tingly” and more “oh...uh...this is uncomfortable...would you hand me a wet wipe, please”.

I could totally ignore the “more than I care for” sensations on our respective naughty parts and just use it as a lipgloss, since as glosses go it is lovely. That is of course, if it weren't for the taste. It's horrible. HORRIBLE! The gloss smells sort of vanilla cream, almost caramel-ish, so I anticipated maybe strawberries and cream more than strawberries and champagne. What I got was the most horrid, vile, chemical tasting vaguely strawberry flavor I've ever experienced.

I know a lot of this is subjective, and unique to our bodies and our experience. I'm kinda hoping they come out with a milder formula, ideally using natural oils like cinnamon and wintergreen to flavor the gloss. Yeah, I'd be ALL OVER that, but as it is now... eh, I'm not a fan.

Before & After Toy Cleaner

Clean toys are happy toys, and being a someone who is rather loathe to get up and scrub toys whilst in post-orgasmic bliss, I'm always on the hunt for a quick and easy to cleaner. When Goodvibes gave me the opportunity to take Before & After for a spin, I couldn't have been happier.

Before & After is a spray-on cleaner that quickly and effectively kills bacteria and germs. It's made of the same ingredients that baby wipes are saturated with (deionized water, cocamidopropyl PG-dimonium chloride phosphate, benzyl alcohol, disodium EDTA, and fragrance for the curious) so it's gentle on the skin, though not intended as a skin cleanser. While it doesn't sterilize your toys it's fantastic for giving your toy a quick wipe down before you use it, as well as after.

The pump spray bottle is convenient and delivers a good amount of product, but not so much that the spray is wasted. You have to use a damp cloth with this product, tissues just shred. I found it works supurbly with silicone (lint magnet) toys, before use for ridding it of the aforementioned lint. It also effectively kills “eau d' butt” from anal toys. As reassuring as that is I still give my anal toys an extra washing with hot soap and water because you can't get too clean.

It should be noted that manufacturers who produce toys that advertise being “impregnated with anti-microbial properties” don't recommend using antibacterial cleansers with them.

Overall, I found Before & After to be gentle, but effective. It cleans fluids, lube, lint, whatever you can get stuck to your toy, off easily. It's fine by itself for non-porous toys, or as a pre-clean for toys that are porous or more “heavily soiled”. It didn't cause any reactions to my freakishly sensitive skin and the fragrance is light and clean, not overly powerful or migraine inducing.

I hope this doesn't get discontinued anytime soon because Before & After is a really great product, it's simple, easy to use and does precisely what it says it will!